Can I Be Frank? Christmas Candor

And so, here we are THE HOLIDAY SEASON (and a-hoop-dee-doop).  Thanksgiving – while my personal MVP of annual holidays – has already opened things up, now comes the real work.  It’s time for trees, decorating, shopping, and, worst of all, GATHERINGS.

The month of December is chock-full of events, parties and get togethers. And while I consider myself a relatively social person, these ‘commitments’ can be painful to even the best of the mistletoe minglers.

We are obliged (arguably forced) into all kinds of social situations that, in many cases, is simply a duty and not a ‘Joy to the World’ extravaganza.

With that said, there are so many meaningful and genuine efforts put forth during the Yuletide Yippies that are for the benefit of those less fortunate.  In the Mill City alone, there so many wonderful causes and celebrations that only further punctuate why this is the best damn place around.

Just a few examples

  • City of Lights Parade
  • Boys & Girls Club Holiday Auction (that’s tonight!)
  • Sun Santa Toy Drive
  • Holiday Window Decorating Contest
  • Lowell City Manager’s & Mayor’s Holiday Party

Not to mention a plethora (love that word) of great celebrations being performed at the Lowell Memorial Auditorium

Let me cut to it.

The real topic here is how to manage the meets and greets with a smile and not nausea.  I believe the answer may be the use of a little something called CANDOR.

Candor, by definition, is the quality of being open and honest in expression; frankness (I certainly like that last word in the definition).

What I am driving at is there is simply not enough candor in the world.  Oftentimes, we focus on saying what is nice, normal and socially acceptable.  With the holiday season upon us, there is no better time to start implementing effective and ‘to-the-point’ practices of being candid with the people we run in to each and every day.

Perhaps more than any other time of the year, we are forced to exchange pleasantries with folks all day long.  Unlike other hum-drum dates on the calendar December was created for smiles and cheer; be it real or fake.  I say, what a perfect time to start expressing what you really mean or at least make it entertaining.

Start saying what you really feel.
Start being honest.
Start being candid.

Enough of the incessant “Hi, how are you?”, “Happy Holidays!?”, “What are your plans for the holidays?”, “Cute Christmas sweater, Pam!”  Enough.  Let’s let everyone know how we feel at that moment in time.  Why not?  What’s the harm?  Society would certainly become more interesting if we all embraced this practice.

But tis the season of giving so allow me to give you some straight-talk samples so you can learn to truthfully answer all the questions that are hurled in your face; especially during this Holy and blessed time of year.  Wort case, these examples could get you out of some awkward conversations.

Here we go:

QUESTION:   Hey, how are you, Larry?  Happy Holidays!
ANSWER: I’m OK.  Looks like my restraining order is going to finally be lifted from my ex…so that’s a good thing. How are the kids?

A creepy look and a quick walkaway are guaranteed.

QUESTION:  What are your plans for Christmas?
ANSWER: Christmas?  Well, I have been a practicing Jew for the last 10 years but thanks for noticing, Margaret.  (awkward pause) Ha, ha,I am SO kidding…. I’m not Jewish.  I’m Chinese

Should raise an eyebrow or 3…unless you are Chinese. Doesn’t work if that’s the case.

QUESTION: So, what are you getting Jim/Judy for Christmas?
ANSWER: Vasectomy/Hysterectomy

How you like them apples?

QUESTION: I am sure hoping for a white Christmas, how bout you?
ANSWER: If by “White” you mean I get “a ton of cocaine” …then yes….me too.

Suspected drug use is always a holiday classic.

QUESTION: Have you gotten your tree yet?
ANSWER: We didWe got a Bonsai.  So excited.  Decorating it tomorrow night with Mr. Miagi.

Karate Kid jokes never, ever fail.

QUESTION: Hope you are on Santa’s NICE list?
ANSWER: Except for that “alleged child abduction”, I can’t imagine why I wouldn’t be.  Chilly out, huh?

Again, keep the asker on their toes.

QUESTION: Any mistletoe hanging in your house?
ANSWER: We’re not big mistletoe believers but we never forgo ‘The Airing of Grievances’

If you didn’t get that Seinfeld reference, then you are definitely off my shopping list.

QUESTION: How you doing with your holiday shopping?
ANSWER: Not bad.  You wouldn’t believe how easy it is to sneak crap out of the Dollar Store.

The trick to this one is double check your pockets/purse as you respond.

 QUESTION: What are your New Year’s resolutions?
ANSWER: Kept it simple this year.  Staying off the meth while driving the kids around.  You can never be too safe, right?  Oh, and I am definitely joining a gym.

Ok, I am not sure this is candor or just cruel and sarcastic quips to commonly asked questions during the holidays.  Take it or leave it.

As Cousin Eddie so eloquently stated in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation….

’Merry Christmas, S#!++er is FULL!”

And to all a good night…

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