Can I Be Frank?; St. Patrick's Day (aka Amateur Day)

First of all, Happy St. Patricks’ Day!

As a very proud Irishman, I love this day like the other 96% of the state that claims Irish descent. That said, it is a little discomforting that this is the type of news that hits the wire on the most important day of the year when we celebrate The Old Sod. Nobody loves to tip a few pints back, especially on the glorious Paddy’s Day, as much as me but let’s face it, folks, today should be called ‘Amatuer Day’. Like St. Patrick’s Day’s illegitimate children, New Year’s Eve and Pre-Thanksgiving Wednesday, this week’s happenings always kinda piss me off and here are a few reasons why…

Crowds

Irish bars and pubs, especially in these parts, are the proverbial Blarney Stones.

The Old Court in downtown Lowell being my personal favorite)

They are great; at least for 364 days/year. BUT, today, it is a total shite-show. Drinking a poorly poured pint out of a plastic cup while crammed in the corner between “Meghan the Lonely Obnoxious Power Boozer’ and “Juan, Ireland’s First Mexican” is just not that fun to me. If you can’t pull up a stool and allow enough room for you and the Holy Spirit, move on. Better off trying your luck at Polish American Club on St. Paddy’s.

Irish for a Day

Look, I am not being a snob (well, maybe a little). This is America after all and if people want to celebrate, Irish or not, that is their Constitutional right. That does not mean I have to like it. Sure, join in the spirit. Toast a Guinness. Sip a whiskey. Go for it. But, if this is your first attempt at imbibing some of these Irish classics…tread lightly. I’ll take the same advice on Cinco de Mayo when the Patron is being passed around.

Junior Varsity Day

Like many of the inexperienced or overzealous drinking patrons on St. Patrick’s Day, the bartenders and wait staff do not have their A-game on this day. Due to the massive crowds of raucous revelers, the staff at your favorite Irish watering hole are forced to put out a less the top-notch product. The pints are often puny. The corned beef resembles the output of a shoe leather plant on strike. The cabbage is, well, cabbage is gross on its best day…but actually worse during Paddys. As Robin Williams told Matt Damon, ‘It’s not your fault“, but that doesn’t make it any better. Again, Wayne Kowalski, the day bartender at the Polish Club, may be the best bet for your drinking needs today.

Embarrassment

Pretty sure SAINT Patrick would not be overly psyched to read the arrest logs in Lowell and across the Commonwealth on his blessed day! Don’t really see these types of massive malarky after Greek Independence Day, do you? Rarely is there a Rosh Hashanah riot? Drunk and disorderly during Ramadan? I don’t think so. But it’s par for the course for those sons and daughters of the Emerald Isle. Stop it, lads and lasses.

Alright, enough negativity from me. Enjoy St. Patrick’s Day – but trust me, it’s more fun to be Irish the other 51 weeks each year. Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to get totally annihilated on watered down whiskey and pick a fight with some Polish folks.

Slainte!