The “Wizard” Gazes into Lowell’s Crystal Ball

Here’s what I think will happen in Lowell over the next year:

ICC fills with Haitian Migrants after the Democratic Convention is over in Lowell. That’s the State one. The National Democratic Convention is at a nursing home in Del Boca Vista. Hopefully no one is mean to them. For real.

State purchases property from UML. They then create a permanent welcome center and name it after Michael Dukakis. The architect of “Right to House.”

UML then announces in a completely unrelated matter that LeLacheur Park is condemned and demolishes it out of an “abundance of caution.”

UML, with help from the state, builds dorms on old ball field site. Raises tuition by only $1, but fees go up 600%.

A group backed by unknown Lowellians called “The Sons of Paul” announces a hotel plan at either the Textile Museum, Upper Merrimack Street or by the arena as proposed in the Lowell Plan Plan, aka “Bikes and Trolleys and Mills to Martinis Follies.”

New Asylum seekers all have jobs as low skilled workers according to the Lowell Live Feed Forum.

Trash problem around Dukakis Center blamed on union workers.

Homeless Camp cleared behind former ICC, citing quality of life issues for Asylum seekers.

UML builds wall around all campuses. Denies it’s to keep out the unhoused. Claims wall is to create more of a campus feel and to replicate students’ smothering upbringing.

President Biden trapped in Downtown Lowell after ceremony proudly designating Lowell a “Poverty Enterprise Zone.”

Bridges blocked and blown up to keep out for profit businesses. No escape from DTL!! (Or the city just gets another tiger grant)

Snake Plissken lands a glider on top of the Sun Building. Almost misses the roof, since all the lights are out. Frees President Biden. Gets booed by Panos.

John Carpenter sues local man. Social Justice Fundamentalists cheer.

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