an Essay by Steve O’Connor

Dateline 1200 BC, Troy, Asia Minor

The war has dragged on for nearly ten years on the plain of Troy. The Greeks, under Lord Agamemnon, are holding a council of war.

Agamemnon: All right, all right, settle down. Sphelos, put down that wineskin. What did you guys think of the battle yesterday? Hektor is a nightmare. I thought the plan was to keep two guys on him all the time. What happened?

Meneleos: We put Sarpedon and Ajax on him, but Ajax left the battle early with a high ankle sprain.

Agamemnon: Skata! How long will he be out?

Meneleos: The oracle says for at least three battles. High ankle sprains are nasty.

Agamemnon: Who else is out?

Nestor: I have the injury report, my Lord Agamemnon. Let me see, (he unrolls a parchment). Idomeneus is under observation for a concussion suffered when Aeneus knocked him out of his chariot. Meriones seems to have dislocated his shoulder. Teukros tore a bicep. And Meges and Deiokhos both pulled hamstrings.

Agamemnon: Odysseus, didn’t I put you in charge of stretching exercises before the bloodshed?

Odysseus: Yes, and I instructed all the captains to have their men put down their spears and swords and do a good fifteen minutes of yoga stretching. I’ve recommended breathing exercises as well, and a special diet.

Agamemnon: What’s wrong with meat and wine?

Odysseus: I don’t know. Guereromos says that…

Agamemnon: Gereromos! He’s a distraction! I don’t want him anywhere around the battlefield! What about Stikhios? Is he ready to storm the gates again today?

Nestor: Dead, my Lord.

Agamemnon: Arkesilaos?

Nestor: Dead

Agamemnon: Medon?

Nestor: Also dead. Took an arrow in the throat and then was run over by horses and a chariot.

Agamemnon: Stretching won’t help that. Okay, we are going to need to get Achilles back. Son of a bitch is still holding out on his contract?

Odysseus: His agent says he’s willing to talk, but he said don’t even make an offer unless it’s at least as good as Diomedes’ contract.

Agamemnon: But Diomedes has a good character. He’s a leader. He’s not a cancer in the camp!

Odysseus: But, like you said, we need Achilles. He’s a game changer. A real stud. A Hall of Fame killer.

Agamemnon: All right, listen, tell him I’m willing to give him the woman, Khryseis, an 8% share of future plunder, five Trojan slaves, one hundred pieces of Lydian gold plus incentives in the form of bonuses. But he’s on a short leash! Makhaon, go and make him the offer.

Makhaon: Yes, my lord.

Agamemnon: Now, one other thing I want to say. Yesterday, I saw three Spartans who started the attack before I gave the signal. This is unacceptable in a Greek army led by me. Any man who starts the attack before I blow the ram’s horn will be sent down to the practice army. And you’re not going to get into any epic battles nor into any epic poems down there!

Photo courtesy CNN

Menestheus: Lord Agamemnon, I must say I think the men are starting before the horn because they see Helen up in the box seats above the walls of Troy. They get overexcited. She’s quite the celebrity these days.

Agamemnon: Thundering Zeus! You remember when war used to be war? It was for real men! Manly men! Heroic men!

Nestor: Except for the legendary Amazons. And of course, Atalanta, and Athena herself…

Agamemnon: Always the wise guy, Nestor! In general, war was manly! Now, all of a sudden, we have this Helen watching the battle, and all the Greek reporters want to talk about is Helen! Look at Helen! Helen looked thrilled as Paris killed Euchanor! I love her hair! She was wearing a long-sleeved black chiton and a cutoff peplos! Who cares? I can’t believe we’re fighting over her.

Meneleos: We can’t let them get away with this! She is my wife!

Agamemnon: Well, she was kidnapped fair and square. And now all the tabloid scrolls are yammering about “the face that launched a thousand ships!” Athenians are more interested in Helen than in us! The whole war has backfired!

Nestor: What harm is she doing anyway? She’s just enjoying the battle.

Agamemnon: It’s war! It’s not reality TV!

All: What’s reality TV?

Agamemnon: Uh, I don’t know. Just a weird dream Morpheus sent me. Anyway, let’s get the men to put the focus back on the killing! It’s all about the killing, and eventually, the slaughter, the plunder, and the burning of the topless towers of Ilium. That’s what it’s about! Not getting goo-goo eyed over celebrities!

Makhaon: Lord Agamemnon, I just spoke with Achilles. He likes the offer, but he wants you to sweeten it.

Agamemnon: By the gods, it was very generous. What else does he want?

Makhaon: He says that when the poet writes the story, he wants to be the face of the franchise.

Agamemnon: I’m the face of the franchise! Listen, tell him I’ll talk to the poet. We’ll work him in. A really big part. And in the stage version. Brades Pitteous plays Achilles. And he gets to kill Hektor, and… and drag his body around behind his chariot! I can’t say fairer than that. That’s my final offer.

Makhaon: I’ll tell him.

Agamemnon: Finally, men. I wasn’t pleased with yesterday’s battle. I didn’t see nearly as many dead Trojans as I would have liked. Now we have a new battle coordinator, Obrianides, and he’s more offensive, more attack-minded than the last guy, Patricius, who had everyone running into each other. So, let’s get out there and kill Trojans! Put on the bulletin board for the men all the smack Hektor has been talkin’ about them! Half hour of stretching! Then several good hours of decimating Trojans! Anyone who I see gawking up at Helen is outa here! I’ll trade him to the Assyrians for a couple of archers and a warrior to be named later.

All together now! Our battle cry…

All: DO YOUR JOB!

Agamemnon: On to Cincinnati!

Odysseus: What?

Stephen O’Connor’s fifth book, Northwest of Boston, is available on Amazon or at https://www.loompress.com.