Photo by Kevin Harkins

by Stephen O’Connor

My wife gets upset with me, and who can blame her?

It’s bad enough that I’m unable to express my emotions properly. She asks, “Do you love me?” And I say, “Of course.” She finds that response inadequate for some reason. I suppose I should say, “Of course, my Darling!” Maybe look up some quotes from the great poets. “Let me count the ways!” All I come back with is “Of course.” Even I can see that’s lame. She had her hair done recently. I  didn’t notice. She was waiting for me to say, “I love your new hair style.” Instead, I said, “I think the upstairs sink needs Draino.”

Not noticing equates in her mind with not caring. It’s not that, really! It’s just that she always looks good to me, and has for thirty years. I tell her she’d look good with a shaved head and wearing a tee shirt. That gets a smile out of her, anyway.

It really is tough for the women, though. There’s toxic masculinity which happens when men revert back to the barbarous tribalism that was necessary for survival from the rise of homo habilis between two and three million years ago and the 1980’s when academicians realized that such atavistic deportment was not only unnecessary but socially destructive. There is no toxic femininity. Females were good three million years ago and they’re good today. We males, however, should be crying more and asking for directions more. We should be less entitled and less aggressive, except when we should be aggressive, like if there’s a centipede in the shower or a noise downstairs or it’s time to register for the draft. We should respect women, their feelings and their spaces. In other words, the sort of behavior that used to be called “gentlemanly,” a word that must be out of fashion. Probably an outrage.

Next, women have to deal with “mansplaining.” If you’re a man trying to explain something to a woman, you are mansplaining because you’re assuming the woman wants to hear you. If a woman is explaining something to you, that is not womansplaining, fool. That’s clarification. My wife is highly intelligent. I hear her on calls for her job, and I have no idea what she’s talking about. She’s fluent in two languages. She’s very good with technology. She’s also super-organized, and has nearly given up womansplaining or clarifying to me ways in which I might become more organized. Recently, however, I told my wife that we needed to have the chimney pointed. I could see the sky between the bricks on the top tier. She asked if that would help with the fireplace. I said, “No, it’s the other chimney. The one for the burner.”

“We have two chimneys?”

Now, we have lived in the house for twenty-five years. Just as my wife finds it incomprehensible that I would not notice her new hairstyle, I found it inconceivable that she had never looked at our house and seen two chimneys. I began to mansplain about the placement and function of the two chimneys. She quickly lost interest and I was ‘splaining to myself. That’s what happens to mansplainers.

If toxic masculinity and mansplaining were not bad enough, we now have “mankeeping.” Here, the writer pauses to do some research. What is it, really? Okay, I’m back. It appears that “mankeeping” was discovered by The New York Times. Turns out, men are a friggin’ mess. When they are not being toxic or mansplaining, men are demanding “unreciprocated emotional labor” from women who are patiently trying to help them to hold it together. Women are exhausted.

You men, if you are in a relationship with a woman and are living under the illusion that you are in a mutually supportive partnership, wake up! You’re a pain in the ass, that’s what you are! Forbearance, infinite patience and a modicum of love  are the only things that are keeping her around. Stop being so…you! Stop shouting at the Red Sox on TV to “Hit the baseball!” Stop trying to impress her with your knowledge of chimneys and step flashing and motorcycle engines!

Wait. You say she knows more about motorcycle engines than you do? What the hell kind of a man are you, anyway?

Stephen O’Connor’s books can be found on lowellwriter.com.